Dear girls,
It has been a long five months since I last wrote. When one is as young as you are, that is almost like one-fourth of your entire existence, isn’t it? You have life in perspective. I see you reacting so spontaneously in each moment- in the words of the Gurus, you live strong, and you also live like water. You are blissfully joyous or very cranky in this minute, and then in the next, neither of those emotions last. You won’t understand this now, but as you grow older, the natural tendency of the society around you will want to drive this out of you. They will teach you, by example, to dwell on things. If you think of such things now- I don’t know enough about the mind of a child- but if you do, you will find this confusing. The behaviour of adults all around you, holding on to things for so long, when you can just let out one breath and in a blink, move on.
I was like you once, and perhaps, it is only in the recent months, that I am beginning to work on becoming like you again. On becoming absolutely free, so to speak. And if you read this, you might ask me- what does freedom mean? You will start learning words and songs and ideas even before you can learn to pronounce them. They will teach you to respect freedom and simultaneously, they will teach you to constrain yourself. And I am writing to you today, only so that I can give you a little idea of what it is that is being talked about here, the things the others in the family might not tell you.
In the simplest sense, freedom means doing what you want. I wish I could stop at that and say this is it- well it is, and it is not. Freedom for you now could mean not having to sleep when Mummy tells you, eating only chocolate all the time, pooping without nappies whilst jumping around the house? Does that sound good? But think back to the last time you threw a tantrum and ended up staying up all night, or ate so much chocolate that your tummy hurt the next day. Freedom is doing what you want, but before that, it means, knowing what you truly want. It is a difficult concept to grasp, I am more than two decades into this world and I still have trouble with it- you might as well. Or perhaps, you will stay so full of the wonder and magic of your own existence that you’ll understand it in a heartbeat, which is a prayer I say for you every moment.
If you are having trouble, freedom means doing what makes you feel alive, blissful, unchained, after understanding what ‘it’ is. Freedom also means the joy that you get by helping others feel similar aliveness and bliss. Freedom means that you are constantly expanding, learning, becoming bigger and more infinite in this moment than you were in the previous one.
As you grow up, you will know of the word ‘freedom’ in various forms. Every Independence Day, you will celebrate the fact that we are fortunate enough to be born in a land with many problems, but also many more rights than a lot of other people out there. For the rest of the days of the year, you will learn the hard way that freedom is bound by both responsibility and impositions. As you grow up a little more, perhaps in your teenage years, you will rebel in your own ways, throwing about your arms and legs for your personal space, the will to live exactly as you like, while also learning what you like. This learning might take you a long, long time, but don’t worry, you will find your way.
It sometimes takes a journey with several wrong turns to realize that we’ve always been looking for freedom outside- in people, in activities, in promises and lack of them- when in fact you might be missing the one place you have best access to- inside you. If I get to spend time with you in a significant way as you grow older, I would like to encourage you to spend time alone. The more you do, the more you will understand that the best form of freedom, the happiest form of freedom will only come from within.
These are not very happy times, perhaps, and the world is getting darker for you little ones, and my generation and that of your parents and grandparents must take responsibility for it. There have been things they could have stood up for, and we could have stood up for, and perhaps we didn’t know any better. But some of us, at least, we’re getting there. It is not very obvious yet, but I think we are a better generation if only for admitting that we are flawed. And because we know this, this is the one thing I hope we will teach you. Our parents taught us to pursue success, we will try and show you the liberation that comes from being gracious about failure.
This world has already put you in boxes, they’re ticking the markers-gender, religion, region. Freedom from this won’t come in a day, or a year, perhaps not even by the time you are writing similar letters to your children. But I want you to know- that even as the world builds more and more walls, some of us, enough of us (hopefully) are fighting to break them down, one brick at a time. People are out there making big changes, but people like me, not very capable of making big changes right now, are also trying hard to make the small ones- in mastering ourselves, or gently guiding others towards it, or bringing more art into this world. By simply going out there every single day, carrying our freedom within ourselves to share it with others. I hope that some day, it’ll be enough.
Love,
Nini
Letters from Nini 